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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.